Back to the Start.

The start of my journey and walk with God was a very personal one, something that I cannot merely describe in words, something really close to my heart.

Taking you back to where it first started around Primary 5/6 (when I was 11/12 years old).
That was the point in my life I went from a few friends to none at all.
Because I enjoyed mimicking the handwritings of others or maybe copying some of my friends' things, they were very unhappy about it.
Maybe there was more but I am not too sure.

I recall vividly that I was queuing up at a bubble tea shop and chose the same straw colour as one of my closest friends.
She went to pick another straw when she saw it and said, "Oh, I thought you would copy me"
And that's when I knew; people were aware of what I was doing and disliked it.

Another incident I remember was going to class early in the morning and I saw a group of my classmates gathering around a table.
The instant I stepped in, they all dispersed.
At that moment, I also knew that they were talking and gossiping about me.

But I was so young, I didn't know what to do.
I had no friends and I was outcasted by my entire class.
The only thing that kept me sane and allowed me to find friends that I didn't have was - gaming.
I had my first virtual boyfriend there, met people during party quests and spent time training my character.

During that period of my life, I also became violent and took it out on my sisters.
I remember a time I took the huge knife from the kitchen and ran with it to scare my sisters.
I also remember another time I pretended to be a ghost, crawling on the floor and creepily saying my sisters' names.
When I was unhappy with them touching my things, I would ram them against the wall with a chair, scratched them and even jumped on them.
I don't know what got into me.
There was also one time I almost wanted to take my life since no one bothered about me anyways.
That's not true though.
I had other random thoughts too, thoughts I couldn't get out of my head no matter how hard I tried.

Being there was a scary place.
Soon, I became really addicted to the game and stopped attending church since that would take up too much of my time.
The next stage was gaming once I woke up till I slept and even skipping meals.
It was so unlike my usual self.
There was a time I couldn't control myself and I figured that I had enough.

There was a dilemma between what I set out to do and the desires of my heart.
Somehow (even though no one taught me), I knew that I was destined for something greater.
There was this other thought.
Grace, what would you gain out of this game? Can these things be attained in reality?
I said no.
I told God, "If You are real, can You help me stop this?"
In that room, there was no one else as I asked that question.
Something inside prompted me to uninstall the entire gaming software.
And in that instant, there was a huge release.
Like a chain was loosed.
I didn't feel the desire to play anymore and I cried.
It was the first time in my life I felt that someone cared for me.

I told God that I wanted to know more about who He really is.
And that's when things slowly started to change.
I decided to go back to church on my own, attend youth ministry even though I have no friends.
I knew that in my heart if He could free me from my addiction, He can also provide me with friends.

And those were the days, I constantly thanked God for sending His Son Jesus to die for me on the Cross every night before I slept.
Every time I said those words, I would choke up in tears.
Because I knew that there was nothing in and of myself that could have deserved this love.
I was a wreck, a sinner, someone whom everyone disliked.
Yet He chose to die for me.

Fast forward a few years later, the people who used to dislike me became my friends again.
I don't think it was me because I didn't even try.
Everything happened supernaturally.
I stopped getting angry - which felt really weird, to be honest.
And slowly, my grades started to improve too because I always asked God what was going to come out on exams, how to do the questions when I was stuck.
He taught me everything; all that I needed to know.
I stopped going for tuition but my grades kept getting better.
It was insane.
Then, I enjoyed studying :-) I loved studying with Him because it was so easy.

That was the start of my journey.
Of knowing more about who He is and His love for me.

For someone here reading who doesn't believe in God, it's difficult to persuade yourself with logic.
It takes one encounter to change your life.
One moment with God to let you know that you are loved, you are cared for and that you are called for a greater purpose than what this world can offer.
The world can offer you a position, riches and honour - but in the end, does it really matter?
Would you be truly satisfied?

We are created with a purpose - to be loved by Him and know more of His love.

If you ever want to know, you can always ask God to show Himself in your life.
He's such a gentleman and a loving Father, He would never force Himself on you.
But you can invite Him and ask Him.
"God, can you show up in my life?"

He loves you.